I dont wanna be disabled by my mental illness I wabna be like everyone else. I feel like im not a person. I dont think i can go to school or work more than maybe part time honestly I can barely take care of myself, just comprehending this.
So bassically im kinda add more to this but i have BPD, autism and developmental delays with autism, crippling ptsd from hell and psychotic tendencies. Those are the big mental illnesses the smaller ones are deppresion, adhd, paranoia all that. Im just now realizing this isn't just a rough patch I really really am disabled and I say that but im really comprehending how different I am then everyone else recently.
For some context I attempted sucide right as life was getting better cuz of external reasons and this whole last month has been an absolute roller coaster of going in and out and in and out of reality, making friends and jumping from being intubated in the ICU, to being in medical for two weeks, to making friends in the psych ward and life looking up to being made to try residential again and i genuinely could not function there because there was group therapy for the hours school or work would happen and I was getting very paranoid being around strange people for that long I wasnt dealing with conflict in an alright way and i was genuinely passing out from being overstimulated plus I cant really take care of myself and I talk irl in a very rambly way where I just kinda jump from thing to thing and its really hard to like stop and i talk about my trauma in a really blunt way.
Bassicaly they kicked me out for being to mentally ill which is so so so stupid because it is for mental illness but a lot of the people there are a lot older than me and have like they have mental illness but they can function and work and are married and everything yknow and have kids everyone there worked fulltime, was in school or both. And also they didnt really outbursts or meltdowns or anything like that.
Ive been hearing voices again to which is not very fun i forgot I used to hear voices as a kid but my godmom (adoptive mom) reminded me that i used to when I was a kid to and I kinda hear them more when im stressed especially around people i dont feel safe or comfy around and i feel like there judging me, whispering about me, laughing at me whatever anyways coming home my godmom wanted to get me a caretaker because she has to remind me to do like everything bassicaly but I told her I wanted one more shot at like taking care of myself we had a huge fight about this and I bluffed that I was gonna move out for a week etc but anyways we made a compromise that this lady was gonna co.e and help me apply for programs and shit I could do cuz its hard for me to do that myself and if I do hygiene and everything before that she won't help me but yeah.
I like im not intellectually disabled in any way and i have friends that are around my age and live alone and are fully functional and I try super super super super hard and its never enough I can never wake up in time I can never do it right I can never push myself hard enough I never sound normal enough idk how tf ill ever move on with my life I feel like im just gonna be stuck here forever, my friend bassicaly told me that like I am this disabled and whatever and that really hurt idgaf if there right. It hurts. I wish I was intellectually disabled so I didnt understand what a fucking loser I am or physically disabled so it made sense Why its so hard to just do basic things for myself.
I hate everything I feel worthless, there's a girl im talking to and friends I made in the psych ward but once they all see how fucked up again ill be alone again and thats gonna make me sad. The ine friend i have who I dont think will leave but am still pretty sure there getting ready to never invites me to shit and I think there sick of me and my shit and im trying to be better but im not.
Sometimes I wonder if I was ever supposed to get away from my abusive mom or if my life wouldve been better served with her cuz then id take care of my sister and society wouldn't be wasted dealing with me and I could just rotaway like i did growing up in peace. At least not bathing helped me out then cuz it made me less of a like likeable target for her disgusting bullshit.
The people all helping me now my godmom, uncle and that one friend im mean to them, I yell at them, I let them down and I dont even mean to but I lose my temper constantly and im a total mooch.
Ive been having trouble staying in reality and i kept feeling like people at the residential place were whispering and laughing about me I confronted one of them for having me removed as there roomate and they seemed very confused so I cant tell when im being paranoid or im onto something. Idk how ill ever function or be useful and it sucks.
I fully get and understand im privileged that staying here forever is even an option for me and most people don't have the option to just be home and do nothing but i feel like its not even worth applying for jobs cuz what's the chances ill even get hired. Maybe i should just not work and volunteer and shit to help the world and make it better. I reached out to food not bombs to offer help volunteering but they never responded, im sure I can figure
something else out.